its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
