Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
