i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
we're making bets on your personal life
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
