No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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