If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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