I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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