she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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