wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
