I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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