i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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