She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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