i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
