she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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