do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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