I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
