went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
