I think I am morally bankrupt
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize