Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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