remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
