it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
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