I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize