Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
