True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
