so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
