Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
