i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
