My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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