I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Acid is not a monday night drug
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
