she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
