Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
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