I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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