I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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