i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
