i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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