thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
