so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
