i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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