I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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