I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
