Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
