My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
