Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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