Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Randomize
