my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
