Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
