What did we do last night that was yellow?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
