The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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