In the future we'll all be gay
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize