I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
So. Much. Porn.
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