and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Randomize
