Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
