I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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