How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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