gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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