would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
