when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Randomize
