we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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