Heybabeimwearingurpanties
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
