Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
