it was like having sex with a tree stump
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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